#141: Where does it stop?

 

Have you ever felt so DEEPLY about a person but you're just not sure why you do?

Deeply does not necessarily mean deeply in love, or deeply in hatred. Just a deep feeling that you're just not sure what it is. Like, you sort of have known this person from your past life and it's just a weird kick in you.

I'm feeling that now and I am terrified? It's his energy that trembles me when he is not physically around. But when he is around, it's the calmest energy ever that I just get soaked into the comfort.

I do not want to feel this. I shouldn't have walked into that speakeasy that night because my perspective towards this whole thing is now shifted and I AM TERRIFIED OF HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL because I am very unsure of what I feel, and it feels as though I have no control over it. I do not like losing control.

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I remember you

But I can't remember love

Still the same sign-off,

Tasy

#140: There is freedom within.

 

2022 is THE YEAR that I approached life differently, and it works.

For someone who is very detached from her emotions - I'm starting to feel deeply about a lot of things. Maybe because I am approaching life from a different perspective now. I am starting to feel grateful for the little things. 

I used to be very rigid. "Going with the flow" does not exactly exist in my life dictionary. I used to be someone who likes to plan things and god behold if something does not follow the path or plan, I will lose my shit.

But, ever since I started living in the present - being grateful for every little thing that comes across me, a lot of things changed. I now understand the joy of "going with the flow", whatever happens, happens. 

I enjoy that sunlight that tries to peep through my sheer room curtain in the morning.

I enjoy the sound that my coffee machine makes in my house kitchen while I dial into my daily work calls.

I enjoy the adrenaline rush that I feel from the back-to-back work calls, and hectic catchup on deadlines.

I enjoy the sweet nothingness from just lying in my bed, staring onto my bedroom ceiling after a productive work day.

I enjoy the random messages that my friends would send in the WhatsApp Group, and how I would laugh at every little thing even when it isn't really that hilarious.

I enjoy the anxiety I go through every night when I'm trying to close a trade, worrying if my profit would be higher than I did yesterday and then the feeling of relief when it's always a profit.

I enjoy my own company in bed, with a book accompanied by my fav lilac vanilla scented candle and a soothing hot tea before I sleep.

I truly enjoy this cycle. It sounds boring to some. But I find joy in every one that I just said. And that truly changed my life. I am less grumpy, I've stopped questioning life, instead I get very content with what I have. It is truly a blessing that many couldn't get and I am ever so grateful for it. 

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I also realized that when I started approaching life in this manner - every other aspect in my life follows through too. Maybe because I worry less of the outcome of tomorrow. What matters is that I live it fully right now in the moment. 

At work, my productivity increased and that led to even more quality work done. Eventually, that led to grade promotion. And of course, it builds better relationships between my colleagues and me.

While in the dating department, I am more at peace in it because I've stopped worrying if the person that I'm dating would like me and proceed further etc. Instead, I just enjoy his company and just let it flow ya know? Wherever it takes us. If it's meant to be, it would be. And this thing should be easy. Why do one have to fight so hard at the start? Is it really a journey worth fighting for and then what? Keep fighting to make it stay and last? Nah, does not sound right. This should be just an additional aspect in my life and it should just come as it is. 

Everything that I do, just follows through. It is truly amazing.

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I already have such great people surrounding me - loving family & friends, supportive colleagues, no-fuss housemates, and manageable work stakeholders. Also, 2022 has already been great financially for me - I am so near to debt free life. What else do I need, really.

Live in the present. Follow the flow.

Don't let the past & future rob you off your own happiness.

Still do not have a sign-off,

Tasy

#139: I remember my password but I am an Adult now.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I ACTUALLY STILL HAVE THIS BLOG???

(I still love gifs, it's a millennial thing)

I read it (my blog, this blog) again, after 6 years - as an adult who is actually in Communications (something I am being paid for) -- and I am sorry but to chuckle at a lot of the posts. Yo, what the fuck girl? (I am not gonna excuse myself for profanity)

Real thoughts? -- Some posts are pretty good I must say, I am still in disbelief with how I used to be very in touch with my emotions. I now grew to be someone who is very detached from my emotions - it's probably due to my years of experience trying to compartmentalize my feelings and emotions; which by the way has given me so much of an advantage in my career growth.

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I definitely am not the same person I was 6 years ago. Now, I have a god complex (probably because my personality changed from ESFP - Entertainer to ESTP - Entrepreneur, and now I am an ENTJ - Commander). I wouldn't say it is god complex per se (I took a test with a therapist, and I am actually not one okay, calm your horses) - but I am definitely at an age where I know who I am, what I am, what I want, how to get what I want, and most importantly I know how to say no.

It's honestly mindblowing to see how a person could develop their character and personality as the years go by together with their career growth. I have always been ambitious, but in my early 20s I have always lack of self-confidence (not that I am fully confident now but I definitely know now my capabilities) and that sort of hindered me from reaching my full potential at the start, so I guess that is why I was an ESFP - I tried to please people and gain likes.

When I stepped into my mid-20s, I began a new role - I moved from being an Offshore Engineer to a Consultant and all the tough working experiences and very unfortunate love life made me a bit more guarded with my emotions so I somehow turned a bit colder than before. So there you can see me move from being an ESFP to ESTP instead. Everything remains - just that I think more with my head than my heart. 

I then started taking on managerial roles and working in a more corporate environment where I have to step up against the Board of Directors, Bosses, etc. and that eventually changed me from ESTP to ENTJ. You can see that now my judgment is better than just me prospecting something. 

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Is it a bad thing though?

People now perceived me as a cold, heartless bitch because I know who I am, my worth, and my capabilities, so I am more upfront about shutting someone off if I think it is going nowhere and just wasting my time.

As you can tell from my style of writing, I am now more direct and I don't try to sugarcoat stuff, packing them in a nice box to be presented pleasantly.

I am probably more real now. I am an adult -- and I have no time for well, bullshit. Pardon me for my lack of effort in finding a better word.

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You might wonder "Why to Write now after 6 years?"

Honestly, I have always wanted to write/journal -- besides the fact that I have a very busy, tight 9-5 very boring corporate slave job and me working my ass up very hard to climb that corporate ladder (coz hey apparently climbing that ladder gives me this weird satisfaction), is also because I honestly don't remember the password to this account. Until today. Also, I really need an outlet for, well - my thoughts mostly it's not gonna be intellectual thoughts coz I have obviously had another outlet for that. Mostly are just what I think are my feelings? It wouldn't probably be all lovey-dovey but I want to remember what I felt and how I handled it.

Also, I tried TikTok - it's not for my age. I tried.

I grew up in the blogging era, not even vlogging. BLOGGING. So yeah I figured this is my best outlet (because fuck Twitter for that characters limitation - I am a woman who talks a lot okay?)

Anyway. 

Maybe it's the wine. Maybe it's the sudden thought of an old memory (yeah the password is based on something I could relate to in high school). Maybe it is just a stroke of random luck. But I honestly think it's the wine. 

Wine and Dine they say! But Wine and Write sounds more of my style?

(By the way, I have a very high alcohol tolerance so most of the time when I write something - I am fully sober)

Are you guys ready for this?

I know some of you weirdos google me and would stumble upon this so yeah be my guest.

P/S: I am not sure what this would look like to me in 5 years' time (when I am someone in an organization - but for what it's worth, this is probably the real-est of me at this age. And I am sure you can see how I would develop throughout the years, so leave your judgment behind, nobody has time for negativity okay Mr Judgey McJudgeful.)

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I still couldn't think of a new sign off,

But it's me, it's 30 y/o Tasy.