#33: A greater force than me.

Because you do not care anymore, so do I.

YOU ARE A SAUDADE NOW.

I am deprived, painfully. Seems like all those that used to belong to me is taken away; the feeling is just too much horrifying to bear. All this anger in me, it’s raging to come out. Blame relationships, blame examinations. Bursting out is never an option as the aftermath is always a fear for me. With insecurities peaking right now, I am actually this close to thinking of entering rehab for social suicide.

All these mixed feelings that laze around me are really getting me tensed up. This feeling that someone is avoiding me and ignoring me without any solid reason has always linger in me, but has worsen lately. I do not know if blaming the pressure around or myself would do, but I am just going to keep on delay any resolutions right now. I am pushing everything away right now.

I cannot hold on to any of this sadness anymore. Pretending that everything around me is alright as if the puzzles are put together perfectly is not going to work anymore. That look in your eyes; they are not as convincing as they used to be. I am on a fence, restricting myself not to make any decisions yet, as it is the worst skill that I have ever had. I feel suffocating, I can barelyfeel myself anymore. I am angry, I am sad, I am delusional, I am miserable, I am just so full of negativity right now even though I know I shouldn’t.

For an optimist, I am sure the most pessimistic of all.

EPIC FAIL OF LIFE.

Do I sound fatalist now?

Loves, xx

Listening to: I'm In Here by Sia