#65: Between the lines; of fear and blame.

Let me just take your hands;

I am on a route to finding back my sanity.

Just when you're about to jump around in blitheness, just when you think that all the pieces of the puzzle around you would fit perfectly, came a wind blowing a few pieces away. You try to catch it, you try to find for it miserably. You sit at a corner, sobbing and crawl your way out to find replacement for the pieces, but they just turn out to disappoint you; they don't fit, at all. You still ponder, asking yourself why wouldn't it, and you still left unanswered. Your right is suddenly your left, your East is suddenly your West, your breath is just suddenly isn't yours anymore. You feel tired, and definitely terrified of it but you just do not know what, why, when, where; and then, suddenly, came realization rushing into you; denying all these stuffs around you, will not change the truth.

I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN DENIAL.

I used to be scared of moving forward. I don't believe in holding onto the truth. I see it as a mental and physical abuse. Truth always hurts, so I decided to drown myself in denial. But how long would it stay? Reality will eventually come out biting everything out of you. You don't get to live in your denial cocoon perpetually. You will just have to lie on the floor, looking all lost and insecure, in between the lines of fear and blame. You fear for what deep down your heart knows, and you blame yourself for making it stay that way.

It took another person who I least expected could read me to knock some sense into me about my real feelings. I have to admit, I am like a hamster, like a miniature when it comes to fighting my own feelings. It took that person only a line to wake me up. I blame myself for setting a rule for my brain to function; "You say No to the things you want. If you don't you will have to face all the embarrassment in the world, and sulk in one corner. Risk isn't worth it." Please, it doesn't work that way anymore. What is life without risks?

Maybe Cinderella wasn't supposed to get married with her Prince Charming and live happily ever after, Maybe Juliet shouldn't have the idea of meeting Romeo, maybe fairy tales shouldn't be taught to us from the beginning; well, what I'm just going to say here is, maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories, admiring the struggle it takes simply to be a human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the road, the fact that we have courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Happy is a word that carries a lot of deep meaning. I just want to have a life that I could celebrate everyday. Above all, I still want to be an optimist eventhough I sounded like a pessimist most of the time; just because life is, ironic.

I shall get back to something more gleeful like my 2nd Day of Malacca Trip post. Toodles.

P/S: Girls, it is OKAY if the guy you really like found out that you like him. It is not the end of the world. Nothing personal, have been getting a lot of these lately and I just can't find the right advise for this :/ It made me feel like a complete useless loser/friend.

Loves, xx

Listening to: Just A Feeling by Maroon 5