#92: Somewhere along in the bitterness;

What's worse; new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago but never did?

History. First thing that came through my mind hearing this word is; past. Our own personal past records. Everyone has their own past. Some buried them deep down, and some still let them linger around and haunt them down. Our history is what shapes us, what guides us. Personally, my history is what moulded me into the person I am today. The good, bad, ugly sides of them. There's a choice between falling back onto what we know and stepping ahead into something new. So far, I have only making my way forward to something new :) If you are an avid reader of my blog, you will know that I always take every single chance that I have to move into something new and better. At some point, I will be pulled by memories, lingering in my past, but I somehow will eventually manage to pull myself out from it.

How do I always manage to do such? I always give myself choices. I always keep my options opened. I always make myself stick to certain routines and hopes. I will never admit that I am weak.

I do not know about you, but I was raised the hard way started in my mid teenage year. My family was slowly broken into pieces. Honestly, my dad, made it all hard when he was declared as bankrupt. Then, he started losing his job and now ended up doing a job that requires him to go out of the state. He barely is at home. And my mother had to support the whole family all alone including my grandparents. She worked like almost every day, yes including the weekends. My brother has an issue with his peers as he always got bullied, I guess it is because of his small size. Since I'm at home more frequent than my mom, so, whatever social problem that my siblings are having, I'm like the person who will take care of it. That's the reason why I am being so protective over my siblings. Anyhow, and as financially, it has always been really hard for me and my family. Whatever that my mom gets, they are all just cukup-cukup makan for my family. So, in order for me to have a taste of luxury that I used to get when my dad was well-to-do; I had to find extra pocket money. My mom once cried and said that "Mommy ni sampai jadi hamba duit, nak bagi awak semua luxury. Kerja siang malam, hari-hari." It hurt me, I mean, once experienced such luxurious life and suddenly, this. Everything got cut off. To me, it's a challenge from Allah SWT; to give a lesson that luxury isn't everything and I actually thank God for that. Without this happening, I don't think I'll be this hardworking, this strong and viewing life this way. So, there you go, my life isn't as fun and easy as what most people expect. My point is, I don't just sit and wait for miracle to happen in order to lead a better life. I actually woke up and stood up, and started realizing that maybe with realization, along with tinges of hopes and optimism, life can mean a lot more to myself.

I wrote this because I had a friend that once asked how did I managed to cope up with life despite it being at worst. Well, the answer is; the few lines above this. I know, being all optimistic is all so cliche, but sometimes, with it, life feels so much better to be lived in. I am not an all-round optimist, I might get a little pessimistic at times. But I forced myself to believe that; it's just me being a paranoid. It works. I moved on with life. It felt so darn good every single time I did it. Fall, then rise up again, and soar even louder. We; girls, always have a lot of unnecessary issues to be sort with. From "the guy that I like does not like me back" to "that girl is prettier than me" to "PMS and this stomach is killing me" to "that bitch back stabbed me" to "why is that person smarter than me" to "I am so fat" to every single possible problem in the world. How I deal with them is, well, I put my issues according to priority. The least important issues should be just thrown out of the picture. Then, solve those important ones. It works, really.

And, the phrase "Everything Happened For A Reason" is actually true. Maybe, bukan rezeki kita, so, like it or not, we have to accept it. That's life, and truth to be told, no one's life has ever been easy. Everyone has that scar marked on them, be it the good ones or the bad ones; marked at unexpected places like secret passages to their personal histories. It's true when they say that most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing but scar, but some don't. Some; we carry them along and though the cut is long gone, but, the pain still lingers. Maybe, some things; we should learn it over and over again. There is no point in dragging the depression, it will only burden and harden you. So, take a step forward, and move on. It's not easy, but we have to. No one wants to be stuck in the past. Don't let yourself being eaten by the past guilt, but instead, learn from the guilt and do your best to move on.

I believe that my life will get better eventually despite whatever happens.

We cut ourselves off from hoping for the best because too many times the best doesn't happen. But we must remember that every now and then, something extraordinary occurs and suddenly, best case scenarios seem possible. And every now and then, something amazing happens, and against our better judgment, we start to have hope. I am definitely taking the equivalent advice for myself. Let's pray for the best. Chin up, smile, and start embrace life :)

P/S: I hope this post will make your day ;) Oh btw, new university is starting in a few days time. Ya Allah SWT, please let everything run smoothly. Amin amin ya rabbal alamin.

Loves, xx

Listening to: Broken Arrow by Pixie Lott