#122: Well, I wish that I was a Fixer.

Punch me right in the face now. Lately, I’ve been so emotional with things (I cried over stupid things like thesis proposal because someone just played a psychology game with my mind, I’m such a weak creature…) and being emotionally weak isn’t my nature. So, yes I need someone to punch me in the face, in the stomach and tell me “Tasya, you are not you right now, so put yourself together, now!” Maybe this is due to my mixed and confused feelings towards certain things, people. My semester started off pretty bad. (Yeap here goes another semester opener post, yawn all you want but I am still writing one) As bad as “I would do anything to go back having internship for the rest of my life and not see some people that will mess my head with their stupid drama”. I was at my laziest state ever, and none of the subjects that I’m taking this semester amuse me. NONE. And I’m already like “… How on Earth will I ever survive this semester doing something that I dislike and with such annoying bunch around? (not everyone though, just a few)” Such a bad start that there’s this one point I actually felt like I was out of place. I still remember how I do not want to get up the first morning of class and how I do not want to eat anything because I was just not in the mood. I still remember how I felt so awkward with people I’ve known for 2 years around me. Where does all that crazy strange feelings came from? Why isn’t it as exciting as it was when I was in the first and second year? I actually thought I was losing the college fun. Such a depressing semester indeed; I thought.

And then a few weeks after that, everything started to be fine. Just fine, just in place. And it kills me because I can’t stop looking for the answers to my “What have I done to deserve such good things around me and stop all those depressions that I’ve been getting a few weeks ago?” questions. It’s not like I’m not grateful to be granted with such happiness, but I just want to know why me, why am I showered with such happiness. So in order to balance out whatever I’m feeling and getting (and also to show how grateful I am towards all these really good things that I’ve been getting), I thought I should share my piece of success and happiness with people around. I started to develop these motherly idiosyncrasies and started to give back my happiness in a form of helping people around. I said yes to being a buddy to a group of first year juniors and that actually made me realize how comforting it is to have people younger than you calling you “Kak” and act all really cute and young with you. I just had this feeling of the need to help or give back what I’ve gotten from my seniors to those younger ones. IT FELT REALLY GOOD. Now that I know more juniors, and helped more of them, it actually gave me this motherly or sisterly or caring sense in me which I think I’ve been lacking of all this while. So thank you juniors. You girls/guys are like my younger sisters/brothers.

Also, I’ve been getting all these sadness of people breaking up around me. My friends themselves. I am such a bad relationship advisor so I couldn’t help much and that frustrates me because all that I could do was just shower them with “Are you okay?” “Are you sad?” “Come on! Live life, and go with the flow, you’ll find someone along it someday. For now, stop being sad and have fun!” yes I did that being aware of how hard is it to be done. Whatever happened to them actually made me prepare for more heartbroken moments that I will go through in the future. So thanks to that too.

I am now more aware of things. Like, I know happiness doesn’t usually last. So, whatever that makes me happy right now, I am going to hold onto it until it breaks me. I am going to exaggerate my happiness because I can. I am going to be overly excited about my happiness although you will find me annoyingly repeating it all the time. Because, this happiness, it doesn’t come all the time. I know that one day, somebody else will take away this happiness from me and I will be heartbroken then. And I will annoyingly say that I’m sad all the time, and then I will be stronger, and then another happiness will come and then the cycle repeats, and I will be perfectly fine having a life with that kind of cycle. I am now accepting life in a better way.

By the way, I’m developing more love for my coursemates (because hey let’s be honest, we are all getting closer by day), so I really cannot imagine how things would end in 3 semesters time. Can we all just stop all the inside issues that we have with one another and just cherish these last 3 semesters that we have together? I know I am not all that good, nice or whatever, but those were the immature days. I apologize for my bluntness. I teared up during the recent seniors’ farewell listening to each of their speech, so I would want my tears in the future (during our farewell dinner) be tears of joy instead of regrets of not spending enough time with all of us.

For now, I am just going with the flow, see where this takes me. So, let’s stop being sad and live life as it is!

Loves, xx

Listening to: Take a Walk by Passion Pitt