“Eventhough
you got me so confused, trust me babe, I don’t mind a little bruise”
I just realized how my past experiences dealing
with relationships affect me now. Mostly is on how I actually am afraid of most
of the things. I am so afraid if I dive in too deep, I’ll get hurt – I always
have this mind set where everything and anything that I do, I will always end
up losing everything and hurt myself. I am afraid of a lot other things when it
comes to relationship. I am afraid if I love my partner more than he loves me,
I am afraid to show my true feelings because it usually doesn’t turn out right,
I am afraid this thing that I am having is not going anywhere and I’ll be left
alone in a corner again. As much as how everyone thinks that I am a very strong person, I am actually very
vulnerable when it comes to feelings.
Should I follow the flow? Should I be cool? Should
I not be jealous? Should I care about my partner? Should I continue this?
Should I showcase my feelings? So many questions, yet none is answered.
I had days when I felt like I do not want to get
married at all and just focus on my career. Then there are days when I want a
husband and beautiful smart kids. And then I had days when I felt like as I
age, I felt like I am getting younger like I want to go out drinking every
night and party every weekend and to hell what everyone thinks. I mean it is
all so confusing. How on Earth do people actually decide that he/she is the one
you would want to settle with when you have not met so many other people in
this world…
I am a very emotional person when it comes to
relationships. I think I tend to destruct it. Not that I don’t want the other
person to be with me but I usually care too much that it is irritating. So I am
now at a point in life where I do not know what’s my next move because I am
too damn scared.
I need someone to tell me that I shouldn’t be
afraid of anything. I am willing to take the risk with you if you can tell me that.
Out of love, xx
Listening
to: Angel Zoo by Phlake
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