Saturday, August 27, 2016

#137: Swimming under white moon

“Eventhough you got me so confused, trust me babe, I don’t mind a little bruise”

I just realized how my past experiences dealing with relationships affect me now. Mostly is on how I actually am afraid of most of the things. I am so afraid if I dive in too deep, I’ll get hurt – I always have this mind set where everything and anything that I do, I will always end up losing everything and hurt myself. I am afraid of a lot other things when it comes to relationship. I am afraid if I love my partner more than he loves me, I am afraid to show my true feelings because it usually doesn’t turn out right, I am afraid this thing that I am having is not going anywhere and I’ll be left alone in a corner again. As much as how everyone thinks that I am a very strong person, I am actually very vulnerable when it comes to feelings.

Should I follow the flow? Should I be cool? Should I not be jealous? Should I care about my partner? Should I continue this? Should I showcase my feelings? So many questions, yet none is answered.

I had days when I felt like I do not want to get married at all and just focus on my career. Then there are days when I want a husband and beautiful smart kids. And then I had days when I felt like as I age, I felt like I am getting younger like I want to go out drinking every night and party every weekend and to hell what everyone thinks. I mean it is all so confusing. How on Earth do people actually decide that he/she is the one you would want to settle with when you have not met so many other people in this world…

I am a very emotional person when it comes to relationships. I think I tend to destruct it. Not that I don’t want the other person to be with me but I usually care too much that it is irritating. So I am now at a point in life where I do not know what’s my next move because I am too damn scared.

I need someone to tell me that I shouldn’t be afraid of anything. I am willing to take the risk with you if you can tell me that.

Out of love, xx

Listening to: Angel Zoo by Phlake

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