#138: The holy word that I've been waiting for

Literally me this month.

Despite of what I blogged yesterday, I came to a conclusion that 2016 has actually been a way better year than 2015. (I know it is only August but 8 months of good stuffs in a year? That’s like way too good for me already!) That puts 2015 as the worst year I have encountered in my whole life.

Who knew moving to a new country would grant you with such amazing new friends? Friends that are real keepers. A lot of changes happened this year and all of the changes have made me stepped out of my comfort zone. I met some really amazing people despite of whatever “bad” things that have been happening. I learned a lot through my traveling, picked up a lot of new great friends.

I did not lose any friends. No one has backstabbed me. I came to know how some friends find me important in their life - which is something I deeply appreciate. Some new people that I met taught me how to appreciate this beautiful life, taught me that success is more than just having a career, taught me that there is absolutely so much more to life. I mean there are a few hiccups - but when those happened, it just reminds me how I’ve made such a brilliant decision to cut some people out of my life. No more toxic for me. Also, I did not cried as much when I was in 2015. In 2016, I am just very confused and scared but not heartbroken - so that is already so much better than the years before. It has been an exciting year so far.

I am not usually a fan of ‘new’ and ‘changes’ - but sometimes we got to admit, those are what we really need in life to push us forward. I know career wise is not going so good for me - I used to think that my career defines my happiness, but now I realized that the great people around me are the ones defining my happiness. I’ve got such amazing family and friends who truly believe and support me, so what else do I need? What gives you a better feeling than to see people around you truly happy having you by their sides?

Dear readers, changes are good. Stepping out of your comfort zone to overcome certain fear is good. So you know what? I am going to try to step out of my fear towards romantic relationships. I can overcome that fear. I definitely will. I will try to believe that having feelings is okay. So should all of you who are reading this - step out and overcome whatever fears you have. This is the year.

(Maybe it’s a good year to change industry too?)

Loves, xx

Listening to: In My Blood by The Veronicas

#137: Swimming under white moon

“Eventhough you got me so confused, trust me babe, I don’t mind a little bruise”

I just realized how my past experiences dealing with relationships affect me now. Mostly is on how I actually am afraid of most of the things. I am so afraid if I dive in too deep, I’ll get hurt – I always have this mind set where everything and anything that I do, I will always end up losing everything and hurt myself. I am afraid of a lot other things when it comes to relationship. I am afraid if I love my partner more than he loves me, I am afraid to show my true feelings because it usually doesn’t turn out right, I am afraid this thing that I am having is not going anywhere and I’ll be left alone in a corner again. As much as how everyone thinks that I am a very strong person, I am actually very vulnerable when it comes to feelings.

Should I follow the flow? Should I be cool? Should I not be jealous? Should I care about my partner? Should I continue this? Should I showcase my feelings? So many questions, yet none is answered.

I had days when I felt like I do not want to get married at all and just focus on my career. Then there are days when I want a husband and beautiful smart kids. And then I had days when I felt like as I age, I felt like I am getting younger like I want to go out drinking every night and party every weekend and to hell what everyone thinks. I mean it is all so confusing. How on Earth do people actually decide that he/she is the one you would want to settle with when you have not met so many other people in this world…

I am a very emotional person when it comes to relationships. I think I tend to destruct it. Not that I don’t want the other person to be with me but I usually care too much that it is irritating. So I am now at a point in life where I do not know what’s my next move because I am too damn scared.

I need someone to tell me that I shouldn’t be afraid of anything. I am willing to take the risk with you if you can tell me that.

Out of love, xx

Listening to: Angel Zoo by Phlake

#134: You made my body feel heaven bound

“Memory is wonderful if you don’t have to deal with the past.”

I knew I lost love; 

When you said that you needed to talk but you never did - even days and weeks and months and eventually years after that. I cried every night and the only word that left my mouth was “stay”. Everything was dark and cold. I wanted you so bad. It’s just the feelings were still there but you weren’t.

Loves, xx

Listening to: I Want To Love You by Lenachka

#126: This is not a “I Love You” Post.

“You can miss all how the things used to be, or you can appreciate how good things are right now.”

Do you know why I like you? Because you are my friend. I just like you the most. Because you’re my best, fun friend, who I enjoy hanging out with and who I like talking to and listening to. The excitement of meeting you is like the joy of having iced soda on a hot day, kicks in my head so hard with happiness.

I like you because I make you laugh with my strangest acts and you make me laugh so hard with the way you react towards my acts. That face of “ohmygod, you’re a bimbo, please shut up now” that you throw on me every time I say something that doesn’t make sense. That “I don’t get your logic... that’s not logical” acts you rub on my face every time I try to explain myself out of my bimbo thoughts.

I like you because it is so easy and comfortable and I can be myself when I’m around you. I can easily express myself. I don’t have to act all pretty. I can do all sort of ugly faces when I’m with you and you will still find me not abnormal hahaha. With you, I can say whatever I feel and you will not judge me. The best part is that you’ve seen me during my worst and also when I’m at my best, and surprisingly, you’re still there for me!

I like you because you are one of the strangest people I’ve ever known. Your little acts that you do, your little subtle gestures. I like how you smile that your jaw is so obvious. Those pretty row of teeth. Those squinty eyes of yours when you laugh. Your taste towards something. Your good style sense.

I like you because when I’m about to fall asleep, you’ll pull me in nearer to you and put my head on your shoulder or thighs and play with my hair and kiss my forehead. I feel so close to you, yet so comforting. I like your soft gestures of playing with my face and hair with your hands. They’re so subtle that I could feel the softness brushing through me, into my soul.

I like you because although you’ve seen me wake up with such horrible look on me but you still grab me and hug me. It feels good every time I take a nap or sleep (most of the time in your car), and when I wake up, you’re the first thing I see. Your shoulder is the best pillow. It feels like home, so comfortable and safe. I like how you slowly kiss my forehead and grab me for a little hug after I wake up.

I like you because I don’t know why but you love listening to me talking about my most random stories and thoughts. Although sometimes I talk crap and rubbish like something that doesn’t exist at all, but you’re still there enjoying whatever I have to say. You’re never tired listening to my same, boring, dramatic stories over and over again. You don’t get bored of me talking ever, that once you made me your radio.

I like you because when I’m feeling so rough, you will annoyingly repeat a “Are you okay?” although you know that I’m not okay. I don’t even have to say that I’m not okay, and you already know it. You’ll do anything to make me feel better. And it is also because you always have faith in me, you always believe that I will somehow be successful in whatever I do. You will just shake me off from my annoying, stupid paranoia over small, petty things. You also always continuously give me such good advices especially when I’m losing my other friends around me. Your words are so wise, that I could never thought of.

I like you because you know all the right words to make me blush and be mad at you for being annoyingly cute. You’ll just say something that will make me go mad just so you could laugh at the way I react to you, and then will pull me in and give me a cute apology hug and kiss. You also know how to compliment me in all the right ways and words, and just scream to my face to make sure I know that you think I’m pretty.

I like you because you are my matured person, you will always think about something with full sanity and maturity. And I can be a kid when I’m with you, like a little girl. I am usually the matured one among my friends, but when I’m with you, I’ll be the playful one, and you’ll be the serious one. I like how you make me feel like a weak kitten and will feel smitten by all your matured, protective acts towards me.

I like you because you will hold my hands, put your fingers in between mine, every time we talk. I like how our hands fit one another like pieces of puzzle that fit one another. I like it when your fingers brush onto mine slowly, and you tighten your grip - the warmth of it, through your fingers, gave me a sense of belonging. I feel so close to you. I like the idea of you pulling me closer to you when we walk while holding hands, and I will get my other hand to grab your arm so I could lean even closer to you. And you will tuck me in even closer to your chest, even if it’s in public.

I like you because you will never let me win when we argue on something. I have always won in any arguments, but with you; I will never win, and the best part is I love the feeling of losing to you. I like the challenge that you throw to me, especially when I know I’m losing and I can’t do anything about it. It softens my competitive side – just what I’m looking for. When I’m annoyed with you, I’ll slap you across your arms and pinch you. But you still laugh to it.

I like how you will just stare at me without saying anything. When I first enter your car, I like it when you just pause for a few minutes just to look at me, stare at me; and I will pretend as though I did not realize it, but inside I’m just screaming “ohmygod, oh no you did not!!” while blushing away. And how at random times, you will just stare at me and do nothing but smile.

I like you because when we hug, I could put my head against your neck, taking a sniff of your scent. You have the best combination of body odour and scent of your body shower/perfume – best smell ever! Those scent just blend in with just the right amount to make me fall into your dream. Your neck is as soft as cotton candy; I could just put my face against it all day long. I like how we’re on escalator, and you’ll stand behind me to hug me from the back and how you give me soft kisses on my head. It made my blood rush through my whole body, and made me hard to breathe over joy.

Even when I just entered your car, I’ve already begun to miss you. I don’t want to waste a single second when I’m with you. You’re my favourite person to hate, because even when I hate you, I still always already like you.

I’ve never said any of this to you because I’m scared to death that doing so would destroy whatever we’re having right now and remove you from my life completely, and that’s that absolute last thing I want to happen. I’d rather be miserable, and jealous, and sad, and still be friends. Because when I am with you, I forget that I’m miserable, jealous, and sad.

*Credits to TheThoughtCatalog for the idea and inspiration :)

Loves, xx

Listening to: Angels by The XX

#119: I toss and turn, I shake his hands

Boy, my days with you are just like those in Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream video. Mhhmm should try to post more short but meaningful post like this.

Loves, xx

Listening to: All I Want Is You by Ball Park Music

#114: All this and heaven too;

Best feeling ever.

Get ready to vision me smirking or giving a sly grin as I wriggle these majestic emotions out. It’s been awhile since I last motion out my random feelings. (Okay this might look a whole lot different from the previous post, but this is now.) I may look bipolar; as I could not make up my mind whether I am torment or just convivial. But honestly, really, lately I am just so full of bless despite the rough times, but I just am very content with everything that is in place right now.

These euphoric moments that have been hitting me like a train on a track, caught me as good as you staring at me while I laugh at your lame jokes. Every time you’re with me, I glow like a peachy mad young woman. My stubbornness naturally increases over the time with you, I tend to foster this impetus of arguing with you and just slap your face with my high pitch guffaw. It’s a pure satisfaction to be giving you a smirk and an agitated eye rolling moment, but deep down my heart, all my veins are making their way through and dancing with the stream of my rushing blood flow. It really kicked me that no one; yes no one has ever be granted with this charming ability to just swoon me away like that. Your face when you’re around me, those expressions masked on you; they are just incredibly beyond adorable (if only I could describe all these little things on you that you do when you’re with me..). Those chuckling you do when you picked on me, those little muscle movement around your eyebrows you do when you see me, those heart throbbing look you gave when we sang and look at each other, those swaying your head back and snickling through your way when you try to irk me. Seriously I can go on more but I have to pass since some of you might start to process a feeling to puke over my overdose of cheesiness in this post.

You know how I really felt when I’m sitting by your side? We just laugh and laugh, and at that very moment I just realized that nothing can ever be sad, it’s like sad is impossible with that charming smile of yours, and then, nothing can be lost, or dead or far away. Nothing can steal the joy of this blissful moment of ours.

Can’t you see? I am in love. I am madly in love. I was never really a fan of being cheesy in real life, but I just did! I just did cheesy with 3 sentences straight; in a freaking line. If that isn't madly in love, then I don’t know what else is. I just freaking described those little things that no one could ever see on him but me.

I am ideally happy and madly in love. This is just by far.. the nearest to the perfect combination of mixed delicacies.

Loves, xx

Listening to: I Wont Give Up by Jason Mraz

#93: Faster than my bullet.

Those little joys are the reasons that I wake up with a smile plastered on me almost every day now.

Those warm smiles. Those familiar acts. Those adorable stares. Those morning wishes. Those inevitable teases. Those random talks. Those little details.

Maybe, absolutely maybe baby, things are turning the other way round. Luck is switching the other way round. Love sprinkled around. Sour and salty changing to only sweet. Tears are laughter. Annoyance is cupcakes with sweet cream cheese. Sadness is a ray of sunshine, trying to bloom hydrangeas. Stress means a cup of good brewed coffee. Jealousy is a kick from Coke’s carbonated gases. Sad songs changed to electro mixed pop cultures. Heartbreaks sound like birds chirping early in the morning. Disappointment is replaced with good indie songs turned on loud in the car. Goodbyes lead to only more happy hellos. Dandy will be the only word to describe every day despite the bad things.

I pray that my life after this will be these.

*imagining myself in the bus, on the way to our fieldworks, listening to laid back music by Peter Bjorn & John and also Foster The People* This is such a warm joy.

This is the start of my so called 500 Days of Summer.

Loves, xx

Listening to: Say You Like Me - We The Kings

#76: Cheeks a little rosy in the May air;

What have I been up to this hols? Well.. NOTHING.

*knucklestouchhh, bro!*

Months of silent conversations;

How I Met Your Mother's Barney Stinson & Robin Scherbatsky had to clarify their feelings and relationship.

BARNEY: "Look, I'm sorry. It's not that I do not want you to be my girlfriend, but it's been a long time since I had one."

ROBIN: "And.. I've been really bad in relationships.."

And then, there they are.. decided to pretend as a couple.

COINCIDENCE? FATE?

I don't have the answer unfortunately.

Here's to us: The usual me who constantly messes up every single relationship of mine (who also loves Robin) , and you who's well, did not have a girlfriend for.. ages (who also loves Barney). x

Loves, xx

Listening to:I Want You So Bad I Can't Breathe - OK Go