#138: The holy word that I've been waiting for

Literally me this month.

Despite of what I blogged yesterday, I came to a conclusion that 2016 has actually been a way better year than 2015. (I know it is only August but 8 months of good stuffs in a year? That’s like way too good for me already!) That puts 2015 as the worst year I have encountered in my whole life.

Who knew moving to a new country would grant you with such amazing new friends? Friends that are real keepers. A lot of changes happened this year and all of the changes have made me stepped out of my comfort zone. I met some really amazing people despite of whatever “bad” things that have been happening. I learned a lot through my traveling, picked up a lot of new great friends.

I did not lose any friends. No one has backstabbed me. I came to know how some friends find me important in their life - which is something I deeply appreciate. Some new people that I met taught me how to appreciate this beautiful life, taught me that success is more than just having a career, taught me that there is absolutely so much more to life. I mean there are a few hiccups - but when those happened, it just reminds me how I’ve made such a brilliant decision to cut some people out of my life. No more toxic for me. Also, I did not cried as much when I was in 2015. In 2016, I am just very confused and scared but not heartbroken - so that is already so much better than the years before. It has been an exciting year so far.

I am not usually a fan of ‘new’ and ‘changes’ - but sometimes we got to admit, those are what we really need in life to push us forward. I know career wise is not going so good for me - I used to think that my career defines my happiness, but now I realized that the great people around me are the ones defining my happiness. I’ve got such amazing family and friends who truly believe and support me, so what else do I need? What gives you a better feeling than to see people around you truly happy having you by their sides?

Dear readers, changes are good. Stepping out of your comfort zone to overcome certain fear is good. So you know what? I am going to try to step out of my fear towards romantic relationships. I can overcome that fear. I definitely will. I will try to believe that having feelings is okay. So should all of you who are reading this - step out and overcome whatever fears you have. This is the year.

(Maybe it’s a good year to change industry too?)

Loves, xx

Listening to: In My Blood by The Veronicas

#137: Swimming under white moon

“Eventhough you got me so confused, trust me babe, I don’t mind a little bruise”

I just realized how my past experiences dealing with relationships affect me now. Mostly is on how I actually am afraid of most of the things. I am so afraid if I dive in too deep, I’ll get hurt – I always have this mind set where everything and anything that I do, I will always end up losing everything and hurt myself. I am afraid of a lot other things when it comes to relationship. I am afraid if I love my partner more than he loves me, I am afraid to show my true feelings because it usually doesn’t turn out right, I am afraid this thing that I am having is not going anywhere and I’ll be left alone in a corner again. As much as how everyone thinks that I am a very strong person, I am actually very vulnerable when it comes to feelings.

Should I follow the flow? Should I be cool? Should I not be jealous? Should I care about my partner? Should I continue this? Should I showcase my feelings? So many questions, yet none is answered.

I had days when I felt like I do not want to get married at all and just focus on my career. Then there are days when I want a husband and beautiful smart kids. And then I had days when I felt like as I age, I felt like I am getting younger like I want to go out drinking every night and party every weekend and to hell what everyone thinks. I mean it is all so confusing. How on Earth do people actually decide that he/she is the one you would want to settle with when you have not met so many other people in this world…

I am a very emotional person when it comes to relationships. I think I tend to destruct it. Not that I don’t want the other person to be with me but I usually care too much that it is irritating. So I am now at a point in life where I do not know what’s my next move because I am too damn scared.

I need someone to tell me that I shouldn’t be afraid of anything. I am willing to take the risk with you if you can tell me that.

Out of love, xx

Listening to: Angel Zoo by Phlake

#135: Trapped in flume

"Wake up to the sun, burning while we're young"

I just had the chance to browse through my old blog posts. It’s fascinating seeing how I evolve from one person to another. Not that I have entirely changed, but I guess more to adapting? I used to be the person that puts others before myself all the time. Not to say that I have becoming worse, but now I know what to prioritize because let’s be honest, not everyone that I put first, would actually put me first before them. I’ve learnt that is just how reality is. It’s pretty painful to know that is how this whole life works, oh well.

Anyways, can I please say that I also used to be very emotional? It’s a part of me that I will never be able to show physically. Hence, the blog. I might sound very sad on most of my blog posts. Then there’s my Instagram; where I look like I have the life that everyone is dying to have. I guess you’ll never get to know what kind of life I’m living in.

Since I am very free now, I was thinking that maybe I should brush up on my writing skills. I used to be so good at it when I was 19, maybe 20. That was 5 years ago. And I miss those times where I just sit and write, with my favourite coffee and favourite songs. I wish to have that kind of days again. So, here I am – trying to relive those days. This blog will be centralized on mostly personal things that I want to share with my readers (if I still do have them? I mean I know I used to have readers before this, not so sure anymore so please comment me to let me know? Thanks!). And also I might be doing some reviews? I hope that will not annoy any of you. Nothing much of a review, just my opinion on few things that people often ask me about. Oh yes and of course, I will try my best to blog about my travels too! I’ve been around to so many countries now and I got people DM, PM, whatsapp, comment, fb message and all sort of ways to reach me – asking about my travels. I figure it would be good to put it on here too yeah?

Let me know if there’s anything else that you want me to share with you. I’ll be glad to.

Thanks for reading – to new and old readers. Please know that I appreciate your time.

Loves, xx

Listening to: The Prettiest by Adna

#134: You made my body feel heaven bound

“Memory is wonderful if you don’t have to deal with the past.”

I knew I lost love; 

When you said that you needed to talk but you never did - even days and weeks and months and eventually years after that. I cried every night and the only word that left my mouth was “stay”. Everything was dark and cold. I wanted you so bad. It’s just the feelings were still there but you weren’t.

Loves, xx

Listening to: I Want To Love You by Lenachka

#133: You give me no reason;

“There’s a power in what you do, now every other day I’ll be watching you”

My last post was… well, last January. Seems like I’m posting only twice a year now. My interest towards writing is depleting I must say. Maybe it’s because of the workload that has been drowning me day by day, the tiredness that I constantly feel out from heaps of traveling, the instability of my emotions with the relationship that I have… I mean the list could go on forever. Picking up this writing habit now since I am offshore, and currently there is no operation for us MWD as the Well Control Team taking over – the well might kick off so they are shutting it in. (Sorry for the technicality. And yes hey yes apologies for not informing but yeah I am now 6months hired by one of the best oilfield service provider; Baker Hughes, as a M/LWD Field Engineer under Drilling Services. Aaaannnddd I love my job, full on honesty yes I do! More on this in the next post maybe?)

I am not sure of the content of this post but I guess it’s just a post where I say “Hi, yes I am still alive. And I do still remember my blog’s password – which honestly surprised me as my brain rarely functions properly.” Let’s just have a quick update.

•       I graduated with a BSc. (Hons) Applied Geology from University of Malaya (will not talk about the convocation as it was dull as hell, not even exaggerating)
•       Spent my 5 months of unemployment earlier this year by lingering around the house being emotional like super emotional about life although I have already signed my job offer letter
•        And also a lot of roadtripping and hipster coffee lingering… basically just a lot of spending money but none of making them! (that reminds me of maybe I should post about my Pantai Timur Roadtrip that I had mmhmm)
•       Ohh did I tell? I mean of course I have to mention and highlight this one out. I cried for 5months too! Was heartbroken as hell just because the guy that I like, doesn’t return mutual feelings. I guess I am not good enough for him? Oh cut the chase! I should have just stayed in my league, which is pretty much a higher league than his. Sadly, I could not open my eyes to all of these facts, thus the overly downpour like fucking Niagara Falls out from my eyes. (And yes I should post something on this too since I have heard a lot of “things” like really bad things about me have been going on behind my back. Wow! What a tacky move why why why you do really surprise me!)
•       Started working as a M/LWD Field Engineer for Drilling Services in Baker Hughes in June. That was the breaking point for me. They sent me to Houston, United States of America & Dubai, United Arab Emirates. I was there for 3 months, and it was hell’a rad! Phenomenal.
•        And I have started my rotation for working offshore too. I am surprisingly enjoying it.

You are about to get quite a number of posts after this. So, grab that coffee, sit back and enjoy the return of your queen. I am back, bitches. All of you are going to be basic.

Loves, xx

Listening to: Outside by Calvin Harris x Ellie Goulding

#132: Skin to bone;

“All the time I just want to let go. All the time I just want to fuck it up and say hey ho.”

Ask me what’s the feeling of finally being done with studying. Go ahead. Ask me.

It’s like you could finally breathe again after your chest is being pushed so hard that the pain grows in you up until your throat, strangling every possible part of your body. You breathe, and you lie on a wide field of green grass with flower petals on them, and could finally enjoy the sun and clouds; the light that you’ve been yearning to feel after being so caught up with books. You breathe and enjoy every sip of air that you could take in. So peaceful and beautiful.

I’ve been sleeping the whole day. Rolling on bed, doing a vertical celebratory dance on bed. Getting serious attachment with my bed like never before. Don’t even feel like I want to move around or pack my things so I could get out of college as soon as possible. I just want to forget that I have a flight to catch in a day time. I just want to be lazy and happy. Mostly just lazy. My vacation plans could wait a little more as I get down with serious business with my bed.

Come, let’s understand (or at least pretend) these peculiar and mixed feelings of mine, and lie beside me and laugh to “Gone the days where I have to adapt to a society that I don’t belong to.” (Yes, I’m not even sad to leave my university life and the people involved with it.)

Cheers to Natasya graduating and getting a bachelor degree. Cheers to Natasya finally being released from a society that she doesn’t belong to. Cheers to Natasya being happy, like finally. And definitely cheers to Natasya that breathes.

Loves, xx

Listening to: Pilgrim by MØ

#128: Because I’ve seen it before.

What’s up with the super long hiatus, Tasya? So, if ever any of you (I doubt people still read this page, so…) ever wonder about it, the answer is that; so many things are going on with my life. The good, bad, ugly, pretty, confusing, mixed things. Sometimes when I feel so much hurt, it pierced into me so deep that no words could describe, so I really do not know how to put in all onto a page. Then, when I feel so happy, I forgot about everything and no words could describe the giddy and peachy feelings running through me. Does that explain why I have been disappearing from here? Well, of course, I am referring that besides my tight schedule with my final year project.

As of today, I must say that my life has been balanced. I got hurt, but I got healed. The broken ones are stitched back together. The long waits have come to the unexpected meet. God is great. The first six months of the year, he threw me hard to the curb, picked me up, then threw me into an even hotter fire, then picked me up again just to make sure I am stronger than before. I am. I am so much stronger and so much more thankful for what I am going through right now.

My exam weeks were the climax of my 6^th semester. I was tortured with so many challenges. But, my heart has grown to be so much stronger from it. I had days where I cry every time I wake up, then I feel like a useless piece of crap, then I feel so stupid for letting all these tiny things to hurt me, and then suddenly there are days when I wake up as though the sun smiles right to me and I could feel the euphoric air surrounds me. They all got me good. The pressure got me real good. The ups and downs balanced one another out like yin and yang.

The past two semesters were the hardest time of my life. Tested my relationships to the core. Tested my patience downright through me. These pains grew in me, through me. As though I am immuned to it. As though I came to learning to actually deal with it, and like it. Maybe I like the pain. Maybe I am peculiar like that. Because I honestly feel, without these pains, I don’t know, maybe I just would not feel real.

What’s the deal with that right? Why do I keep hitting myself to the wall? Why do I always find things that could hurt me and give me pain? Why? Because, once it stops, it feels so darn good. Feels real, and so good.

Right now, every single pain that I put myself to, has stop. This stop is temporary, but only God knows how good it feels. How good to take a break from all the pain and heart ache that has been hitting me.

I’m alright, everyone. So should you.

Loves, xx

Listening to: You Gotta Be by Des'ree

#126: This is not a “I Love You” Post.

“You can miss all how the things used to be, or you can appreciate how good things are right now.”

Do you know why I like you? Because you are my friend. I just like you the most. Because you’re my best, fun friend, who I enjoy hanging out with and who I like talking to and listening to. The excitement of meeting you is like the joy of having iced soda on a hot day, kicks in my head so hard with happiness.

I like you because I make you laugh with my strangest acts and you make me laugh so hard with the way you react towards my acts. That face of “ohmygod, you’re a bimbo, please shut up now” that you throw on me every time I say something that doesn’t make sense. That “I don’t get your logic... that’s not logical” acts you rub on my face every time I try to explain myself out of my bimbo thoughts.

I like you because it is so easy and comfortable and I can be myself when I’m around you. I can easily express myself. I don’t have to act all pretty. I can do all sort of ugly faces when I’m with you and you will still find me not abnormal hahaha. With you, I can say whatever I feel and you will not judge me. The best part is that you’ve seen me during my worst and also when I’m at my best, and surprisingly, you’re still there for me!

I like you because you are one of the strangest people I’ve ever known. Your little acts that you do, your little subtle gestures. I like how you smile that your jaw is so obvious. Those pretty row of teeth. Those squinty eyes of yours when you laugh. Your taste towards something. Your good style sense.

I like you because when I’m about to fall asleep, you’ll pull me in nearer to you and put my head on your shoulder or thighs and play with my hair and kiss my forehead. I feel so close to you, yet so comforting. I like your soft gestures of playing with my face and hair with your hands. They’re so subtle that I could feel the softness brushing through me, into my soul.

I like you because although you’ve seen me wake up with such horrible look on me but you still grab me and hug me. It feels good every time I take a nap or sleep (most of the time in your car), and when I wake up, you’re the first thing I see. Your shoulder is the best pillow. It feels like home, so comfortable and safe. I like how you slowly kiss my forehead and grab me for a little hug after I wake up.

I like you because I don’t know why but you love listening to me talking about my most random stories and thoughts. Although sometimes I talk crap and rubbish like something that doesn’t exist at all, but you’re still there enjoying whatever I have to say. You’re never tired listening to my same, boring, dramatic stories over and over again. You don’t get bored of me talking ever, that once you made me your radio.

I like you because when I’m feeling so rough, you will annoyingly repeat a “Are you okay?” although you know that I’m not okay. I don’t even have to say that I’m not okay, and you already know it. You’ll do anything to make me feel better. And it is also because you always have faith in me, you always believe that I will somehow be successful in whatever I do. You will just shake me off from my annoying, stupid paranoia over small, petty things. You also always continuously give me such good advices especially when I’m losing my other friends around me. Your words are so wise, that I could never thought of.

I like you because you know all the right words to make me blush and be mad at you for being annoyingly cute. You’ll just say something that will make me go mad just so you could laugh at the way I react to you, and then will pull me in and give me a cute apology hug and kiss. You also know how to compliment me in all the right ways and words, and just scream to my face to make sure I know that you think I’m pretty.

I like you because you are my matured person, you will always think about something with full sanity and maturity. And I can be a kid when I’m with you, like a little girl. I am usually the matured one among my friends, but when I’m with you, I’ll be the playful one, and you’ll be the serious one. I like how you make me feel like a weak kitten and will feel smitten by all your matured, protective acts towards me.

I like you because you will hold my hands, put your fingers in between mine, every time we talk. I like how our hands fit one another like pieces of puzzle that fit one another. I like it when your fingers brush onto mine slowly, and you tighten your grip - the warmth of it, through your fingers, gave me a sense of belonging. I feel so close to you. I like the idea of you pulling me closer to you when we walk while holding hands, and I will get my other hand to grab your arm so I could lean even closer to you. And you will tuck me in even closer to your chest, even if it’s in public.

I like you because you will never let me win when we argue on something. I have always won in any arguments, but with you; I will never win, and the best part is I love the feeling of losing to you. I like the challenge that you throw to me, especially when I know I’m losing and I can’t do anything about it. It softens my competitive side – just what I’m looking for. When I’m annoyed with you, I’ll slap you across your arms and pinch you. But you still laugh to it.

I like how you will just stare at me without saying anything. When I first enter your car, I like it when you just pause for a few minutes just to look at me, stare at me; and I will pretend as though I did not realize it, but inside I’m just screaming “ohmygod, oh no you did not!!” while blushing away. And how at random times, you will just stare at me and do nothing but smile.

I like you because when we hug, I could put my head against your neck, taking a sniff of your scent. You have the best combination of body odour and scent of your body shower/perfume – best smell ever! Those scent just blend in with just the right amount to make me fall into your dream. Your neck is as soft as cotton candy; I could just put my face against it all day long. I like how we’re on escalator, and you’ll stand behind me to hug me from the back and how you give me soft kisses on my head. It made my blood rush through my whole body, and made me hard to breathe over joy.

Even when I just entered your car, I’ve already begun to miss you. I don’t want to waste a single second when I’m with you. You’re my favourite person to hate, because even when I hate you, I still always already like you.

I’ve never said any of this to you because I’m scared to death that doing so would destroy whatever we’re having right now and remove you from my life completely, and that’s that absolute last thing I want to happen. I’d rather be miserable, and jealous, and sad, and still be friends. Because when I am with you, I forget that I’m miserable, jealous, and sad.

*Credits to TheThoughtCatalog for the idea and inspiration :)

Loves, xx

Listening to: Angels by The XX

#125: Come morning light;

 This is dedicated to everyone that has been bullied, cyberbullied, backstabbed, bad mouthed and etcetera :) Chin up; you deserve all the smiles in the world.

My Twitter timeline is 40% dominated by high school students. Mostly are my juniors, friends, younger sister’s friends. Yes, I am friends with juniors because I don’t believe in all this ‘high school’ hierarchy thing of where you’re a senior, so it’s not cool to mingle with juniors. Absolutely utter bullshit. Anyone can be friends despite of the ages. (One will soon learn this once step into working life, where you’ll face a lot of people of different ages and learn how age is just a number). It actually amazed me how some kids could be so mature in thinking while some 20’s on my timeline could be so immature over petty things. It’s a shame I must admit. I am already 21, yet some of those of my age still enjoy ‘high school’ drama among themselves – backstabbing, bad mouthing, judging, spreading rumours, etc. Some of the high school kids could solve their problems maturely. For example, when they fight over something, they then confront one another. Here I am, tried to make those simple mature acts, but got bashed so badly. It’s true, we can never please the society. You can be 50, and still act immaturely, and no one can ever say you’re immature because of your age. Yes, congratulations all, for having such society these days. My point is, despite of how old you are, you will face all these kind of immature things along the way. The only thing that can draw you out from the line of having a mentality like theirs is to well, stick to believing in being you, having a mature mind. They don’t like you and talk behind your back while you do nothing at all to them? Forget them, chin up, move forward. They don’t harm you, not in any way of this life that they can harm you. Look at those that still stand by your side, why are they still on your side? Why do they still love you? Hold onto those reasons and live a better life than those immature bunch that try to see you lose. Keep your anger and turn those anger into something positive, like maybe to push you to study harder? Yes? Yes, do that. It is possible to do. I’ve done it before. It works. But you have to have a strong heart and mind, and stand still on your life’s principle. Leave behind those that eat you up. If they can do such bad things to you, they are no good for you, at all.

I know getting backstabbed, bad mouthed or such (especially on social networks) sucks. It’s a pain. Especially for girls. I have been through it, in fact, going through one right now. But, think again, is it worth it for trying to fix something that those loser bunch do not want to fix? You’re wasting your time fixing. Instead, if they do not want you to be a part of their life, then leave. They actually just want you to be a part of their life, just for their entertainment, something to laugh at, and something to gossip on. They are just wasting their time. See? They just want to see you fall. Don’t ever let them see you fall. You are given such test by God, so that you will pick up your life and do better. So, do it, be better!

I have to admit, that I was once a part of the “Mean Girls” clique back in my school days. I definitely know how all of these mean acts work. Their bitchy reasons and answers to every mean acts of theirs. I know. I know this game so damn well. I was once a bitchy cheerleader and a queen bee. And I believe that whatever happened to me nowadays is what they call as ‘karma’. I remember crying in my boy’s car earlier this year, admitting how I felt bad on everything that I have done to other people before. Talking bad, backstabbing and stuffs like that. Back then, it felt good making people miserable, as though it’s a satisfaction. It’s like bringing people down makes me feel better about myself. I WAS WRONG. I cried out all of the guilt that I have been keeping for so long. How could I be so blunt and stupid and also so selfish to do so? I now know the feeling of my ‘bully victims’. I’m sorry to everyone that I have done wrong to. I was so immature back then, and I now realize how much pain it causes. I have fully changed, and moved on from that phase, and I thank God for making me go through that phase in my younger days rather than later.

Anyways, I’m sure I’ll get another handful of bashes from those people who are going against me after this post. My main intention for this post is to push those (I know a few, and some are my really close friends) who have been cyberbullied, backstabbed, abandoned, and such to stand up on their own feet and soar to be better. Also, to remind me of how strong I am. I have no intention in getting anyone a bad name, at all. 

Sorry to tell all of you who will be graduating from high school soon that… your high school drama doesn’t end in high school, there will still be people enjoying in creating them after high school. What a pity.

To those who have been going through backstabbing, cyberbullying in the form of people saying you’re annoying, show-offs and such, I pray all the strength in the world to be on our side as we can’t always please the society. Always. InsyaAllah, doa orang yang teraniaya akan selalu dimakbulkan, Allah SWT will always be on our side, Aamiin aamiin yaraabbal alaamiiinnn :)

Loves, xx

Listening to: Don’t Kick The Chair by Dia Frampton feat. Kid Cudi

#122: Well, I wish that I was a Fixer.

Punch me right in the face now. Lately, I’ve been so emotional with things (I cried over stupid things like thesis proposal because someone just played a psychology game with my mind, I’m such a weak creature…) and being emotionally weak isn’t my nature. So, yes I need someone to punch me in the face, in the stomach and tell me “Tasya, you are not you right now, so put yourself together, now!” Maybe this is due to my mixed and confused feelings towards certain things, people. My semester started off pretty bad. (Yeap here goes another semester opener post, yawn all you want but I am still writing one) As bad as “I would do anything to go back having internship for the rest of my life and not see some people that will mess my head with their stupid drama”. I was at my laziest state ever, and none of the subjects that I’m taking this semester amuse me. NONE. And I’m already like “… How on Earth will I ever survive this semester doing something that I dislike and with such annoying bunch around? (not everyone though, just a few)” Such a bad start that there’s this one point I actually felt like I was out of place. I still remember how I do not want to get up the first morning of class and how I do not want to eat anything because I was just not in the mood. I still remember how I felt so awkward with people I’ve known for 2 years around me. Where does all that crazy strange feelings came from? Why isn’t it as exciting as it was when I was in the first and second year? I actually thought I was losing the college fun. Such a depressing semester indeed; I thought.

And then a few weeks after that, everything started to be fine. Just fine, just in place. And it kills me because I can’t stop looking for the answers to my “What have I done to deserve such good things around me and stop all those depressions that I’ve been getting a few weeks ago?” questions. It’s not like I’m not grateful to be granted with such happiness, but I just want to know why me, why am I showered with such happiness. So in order to balance out whatever I’m feeling and getting (and also to show how grateful I am towards all these really good things that I’ve been getting), I thought I should share my piece of success and happiness with people around. I started to develop these motherly idiosyncrasies and started to give back my happiness in a form of helping people around. I said yes to being a buddy to a group of first year juniors and that actually made me realize how comforting it is to have people younger than you calling you “Kak” and act all really cute and young with you. I just had this feeling of the need to help or give back what I’ve gotten from my seniors to those younger ones. IT FELT REALLY GOOD. Now that I know more juniors, and helped more of them, it actually gave me this motherly or sisterly or caring sense in me which I think I’ve been lacking of all this while. So thank you juniors. You girls/guys are like my younger sisters/brothers.

Also, I’ve been getting all these sadness of people breaking up around me. My friends themselves. I am such a bad relationship advisor so I couldn’t help much and that frustrates me because all that I could do was just shower them with “Are you okay?” “Are you sad?” “Come on! Live life, and go with the flow, you’ll find someone along it someday. For now, stop being sad and have fun!” yes I did that being aware of how hard is it to be done. Whatever happened to them actually made me prepare for more heartbroken moments that I will go through in the future. So thanks to that too.

I am now more aware of things. Like, I know happiness doesn’t usually last. So, whatever that makes me happy right now, I am going to hold onto it until it breaks me. I am going to exaggerate my happiness because I can. I am going to be overly excited about my happiness although you will find me annoyingly repeating it all the time. Because, this happiness, it doesn’t come all the time. I know that one day, somebody else will take away this happiness from me and I will be heartbroken then. And I will annoyingly say that I’m sad all the time, and then I will be stronger, and then another happiness will come and then the cycle repeats, and I will be perfectly fine having a life with that kind of cycle. I am now accepting life in a better way.

By the way, I’m developing more love for my coursemates (because hey let’s be honest, we are all getting closer by day), so I really cannot imagine how things would end in 3 semesters time. Can we all just stop all the inside issues that we have with one another and just cherish these last 3 semesters that we have together? I know I am not all that good, nice or whatever, but those were the immature days. I apologize for my bluntness. I teared up during the recent seniors’ farewell listening to each of their speech, so I would want my tears in the future (during our farewell dinner) be tears of joy instead of regrets of not spending enough time with all of us.

For now, I am just going with the flow, see where this takes me. So, let’s stop being sad and live life as it is!

Loves, xx

Listening to: Take a Walk by Passion Pitt

#119: I toss and turn, I shake his hands

Boy, my days with you are just like those in Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream video. Mhhmm should try to post more short but meaningful post like this.

Loves, xx

Listening to: All I Want Is You by Ball Park Music

#118: This is the gift and it comes with a price.

Hi dear readers and followers,

I know my hiatus status has been extended for a bit too long. So much stuff has been happening and I barely catch a breath to sum up everything and put them in my blog. It’s true, as we get older, the busier we would actually get. I used to have this mind set where everything will be like “free as a bird” thing after high school. Unfortunately, that thought is just... a failure. It became harder to meet anyone or even have a pinch of time to do something after high school ended. Life just could not get any less busy.

I have always have this habit of wrapping up every semester and read back on how much has it changed for just a semester. And to my surprise, each semester tells its very own story, with such unexpected drama. It’s like each semester of mine is like a Gossip Girl season, okay bad metaphor but it is sort of. Anyways, going to do a quick sum up of my 4^th semester in Applied Geology and truth to be told, this semester has got to be my favourite. The words of “After a hurricane, comes a rainbow” become true in this semester, or it could be the semester’s tagline, hehehe.

Semester 4 started pretty bad. Remember what happened during the fieldwork before? Broken relationships and then massive heart breaks. Then it slowly turned the other way around. Broken hearts are mended, and things just gradually got better. Got over my fear of heights by successfully completed the rock climbing session! Such an achievement. Then my grips started to lose when I faced a few misunderstandings within my close friends and to make it short, things were never the same anymore. The same week when I realized that my friendships are on rocks with few, that is when another drama of annoyance in the course happened. Such a heartbreaking week (well, the most heartbreaking week in my 20 years of living – like imagine losing your own close friends and at such hard times, you literally do not have anyone to talk to who can actually understand your stupid geology stress. So horrible!) until a senior of mine asked me out. He has been such a life saviour. Listening to my dumb rants, bimbotic thoughts and stupid paranoia over stuffs and projects and truly understand how crappy and stressful geology could be sometimes. Thank you, Salihin J You’re the best senior ever. Anyways, so my life ever since then have been pretty much on cloud nine and on top of the game although exam weeks were so rough. I swear I could say that my blood might have been thickened by Redbull liquid. So dangerous, but that’s what have been keeping me up and giving energy. And the results? Well, you’re looking at a Dean’s List achiever :D Syukur Alhamdulillah for the rezeki and nikmat, Ya Allah :’) I believe this is all a results of how rough I’ve been through.

Pretty much that’s it for Semester 4? Yes. Bad start to a great ending. I hope my industrial training would be a great one too, insyaAllah J Till then, have a great day, dear readers!

Loves, xx

Listening to: It’s Nice To Be Alive by Ball Park Music

#117: I wanted to run away with you;

Have you ever tried taking some days off from everything? Like away from the study stress, project mess, drama by the people surrounding you, and etcetera. Just away to somewhere, so you could gain back yourself, pick up broken pieces and put them back together. You might be surprised by how amazing those few days off could affect you. I actually took the opportunity to get myself away from everyone in the busy city, and get an escape to Tioman Island; at one of their less attractive tourism spot of small island (island mainly for diving and fieldwork purposes). The tranquillity and calming environment was just way too amazing, I actually work better after those days off.

Took more than half a week off from 10th May til 13th May (Happy Birthday Syahira!!). Started the journey around 11pm to the jetty in Pahang. Instead of using the new highway, we took the old route with lesser cars. Driving late at night over long talks was most probably the best stress releaser ever, especially after my rough week. After 5 hours of driving, we arrived at the jetty and decided to sleep in the car while waiting for the first ferry service at 11am. We continued our long very random conversation and the most random thing ever happened  when a “Natasya, your eyes are beautiful, they’re….. brownnnnn!” popped out when I opened my sunglasses. Silly guy always have random things to say hahaha. Anyhow, we then took the ferry (which was one really long and boring ride that I actually fell asleep). Well, me being a city girl, I was all excited when I saw how bluish green the sea water is in Tioman! I just hop like a little girl and twirl around in excitement. But unfortunately.. I must say that I did not get to do much there since (I’m sorry, I do not know any better or proper way to say this but..) my period decided to give me a visit. Yeap. So, I spent my days inside the room, finishing my fieldwork reports. I am one sad case child. HAHAHAHAHA. But hey, the days there were fun because I get to sleep all day and well, the night sessions were just breathtakingly amazing. Thanks for giving me this mind peace chance ;) This trip is as good as Weezer’s Island In The Sun and Yuna’s Lullabies.

Anyways, my point is, stop from whatever you’re doing and go out, take some time off. No point stressing yourself out and losing yourself. Take a break, regain your mojo and enjoy life :)

Loves, xx

Listening to: Lullabies by Yuna

#116: You can’t tell what magic spells ;)

Happy Friday, everyone! Cheers to the freaaaken weekend :P

I can finally breathe after weeks of torture, full of assignments datelines and also tests! Semester 4 of Degree has been so hard and harsh on me, but in the same time, I guess that’s what has been building me up. I’ve learnt who I could trust, who really cares about me, and well, I also came to realization of the chances that I’ve been missing all this while. 2 years, and I finally see all of the true colours, and it was such an eye opener. Cannot describe how much relieved I felt to not be caught in something that was never meant for me.

I am currently over my sadness crappy phase, and very content with all of these little joys that I’ve been getting. Those little things, bits and pieces of love from those who really love me for who I am, for sticking with me through 15 years, 3 years and such. Although some may be so far away, in a total different continent now, but the love we have for each other seems to be greater than ever.

Cannot wait to graduate, 3 semesters to go! Leaving craps behind and moving on into another phase. I can’t wait! I know, I will miss those moments in classes, but some are just meant to be forgotten. And some people are just meant to be left. Some memories are just not meant to be remembered. And surprisingly, I like it like that. I am so very happy with all those little things, very few people around me. It’s true when they said on how useless it is to have many friends around, but not true friends. Anyhow, I am not here to look for friends, nor lovers, so hey hey hey UM first class degree graduation, here I come! Aamiin aamiin yarabbaal aalaamiiinnn :)

I am climbing that, and none of you could ever stop me from it. You have no idea of what I am capable of. No, none of you do.

Loves, xx

Listening to    : Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai 

#114: All this and heaven too;

Best feeling ever.

Get ready to vision me smirking or giving a sly grin as I wriggle these majestic emotions out. It’s been awhile since I last motion out my random feelings. (Okay this might look a whole lot different from the previous post, but this is now.) I may look bipolar; as I could not make up my mind whether I am torment or just convivial. But honestly, really, lately I am just so full of bless despite the rough times, but I just am very content with everything that is in place right now.

These euphoric moments that have been hitting me like a train on a track, caught me as good as you staring at me while I laugh at your lame jokes. Every time you’re with me, I glow like a peachy mad young woman. My stubbornness naturally increases over the time with you, I tend to foster this impetus of arguing with you and just slap your face with my high pitch guffaw. It’s a pure satisfaction to be giving you a smirk and an agitated eye rolling moment, but deep down my heart, all my veins are making their way through and dancing with the stream of my rushing blood flow. It really kicked me that no one; yes no one has ever be granted with this charming ability to just swoon me away like that. Your face when you’re around me, those expressions masked on you; they are just incredibly beyond adorable (if only I could describe all these little things on you that you do when you’re with me..). Those chuckling you do when you picked on me, those little muscle movement around your eyebrows you do when you see me, those heart throbbing look you gave when we sang and look at each other, those swaying your head back and snickling through your way when you try to irk me. Seriously I can go on more but I have to pass since some of you might start to process a feeling to puke over my overdose of cheesiness in this post.

You know how I really felt when I’m sitting by your side? We just laugh and laugh, and at that very moment I just realized that nothing can ever be sad, it’s like sad is impossible with that charming smile of yours, and then, nothing can be lost, or dead or far away. Nothing can steal the joy of this blissful moment of ours.

Can’t you see? I am in love. I am madly in love. I was never really a fan of being cheesy in real life, but I just did! I just did cheesy with 3 sentences straight; in a freaking line. If that isn't madly in love, then I don’t know what else is. I just freaking described those little things that no one could ever see on him but me.

I am ideally happy and madly in love. This is just by far.. the nearest to the perfect combination of mixed delicacies.

Loves, xx

Listening to: I Wont Give Up by Jason Mraz

#111: To be happy about.

I really need this.

Semester 3 ended really bad except for the fact that my results were again; the only thing that never fail to amaze me. Friendship on the rocks, few broken, gained some new ones, trust broken, anger took most of myself, and majorly filled with disappointments; just pure unforgivable disappointments.

I was all so demotivated to start my 4^th semester. Maybe it’s because of how tragic the 3^rd semester ended. Too disappointed to even care about starting a new one. But I finally picked up the pieces, put aside my anger and disappointments because honestly, I don’t find any of these will help me lead to a better life.

Anyways, I actually happened to clean my old files and I found a paper that my gang used to scribble during the Science & Technology Lecture in the 1^st semester. I still remember how close all 8 of us were. We used to sit at the most back row in lecture, camwhored and ate junk food all the way in class; also scribbled papers around. I miss how we used to go everywhere with each other, have weekly dinner and pick adorable fights among one another over dinner and also facebook comments! Ahh, how we used to go out and have a movie night and lepak til late night. We were like this perfect bunch just like that pictured in How I Met Your Mother and That ‘70s Show. Then stuffs started to happen, driftings, detachments. We’re still close, but I’m not gonna lie that we aren’t as close as we used to be. Honestly, it is sad and it hurts to see how we are all detaching.

Not going to point my finger to anyone. I do not know who is at fault. Choices like these are always in the hands of that person. I just want to remind that, as mean as I may look, I always put my friends as my priority because I hate backstabbing. And boys & girls, the 7 of you will be the friends that I swear in the name of God, that I would never back stab. I’ll do and sacrifice whatever to save any of your asses from trouble and swear, will get you out of trouble.

Just something that I guess I should say it out. Have a pleasant semester! (while I hope mine will build back its own way oh well, this is me sighing)

Loves, xx

Listening to: Fences by Phoenix

#108: Rabbit Heart.

Honestly, as I’m writing this, I am still figuring on how to wrap up my 2011 in such a short post and how to deliver the right words on my exact feelings about it.

My 2011 has been the best so far. It sounds cliché, but that’s just weirdly very true. You know how I started off my 2011.. it was pretty dark with the thoughts of it’s going to be another gloomy year ahead, no colours in it. Semester 2 was pretty harsh on me. The drama, the abandon, the unspoken words, the tangles, the shattered hopes, everything just too harsh and hard except for the last day of it with the unexpected euphoric surprises (and also the way off-charts high pointers). That last day was the only thing that made sunshine seems possible.

In the middle of the year, my luck starts to turn the other way round. Started off with my high pointer, everything after that managed to make me believe that happiness is possible this year. My part-time job, the offers and the salary. Although, there were times that kicked me so hard that I almost shatter down; but.. as time passes by, everything just work by its own, slowly graduating from gloomy to much brighter days.

Then, came the 3^rd semester. It started just good. There were ups and downs. It was pretty rough at first until I managed to make decisions. I am by far, the worst decision maker ever. But, to my surprise, the decisions that I made lately, they’re the ones that turn my frowns upside down. I lost a few people in my life, but then I learned that I actually have found a few that are just too precious! My smiles are then gradually turning into grins all the way til the end of the year.

My December was the best month. It has never happened that way before because everytime towards my birthday, things will start to crumble, but not this year; not at all. I am so content with the decisions made and whatever happened especially with the man i love ;)

I’m so happy I can’t even express it in words!

So, my conclusion about 2011? Probably the best year so far. Taught me tough life lessons and this post will remind me of how strong I could be everytime I feel like I’m at my lowest point in life. This post will also remind me that I am actually really stronger standing off alone sometimes and everything happens for a reason, yes they do.

Loves, xx

Listening to: Blinding by Florence and The Machine

#105: Past and Present, they don’t matter now.

The future's sorted out though.

And I smile a lot now,

Well, I'm happier somehow,

No, I don't know what is up with me,

I had too much recently,

No, they don't know much about us,

When we're exchanging glances,

We'll figure out one day,

What happened on your Birthday.

P/S: The post on my Penang Beach Getaway with the highschool sweethearts will be next ;)

Loves, xx

Listening to: Swell Window by Zee Avi

#103: Til I catch you again;

Those little acts that secrete joy in me.

My mood of sharing my feelings with the rest of the world on the internet does not come that often lately although I’ve been feeling really happy ¾ of most weeks that I’ve been through, or maybe some of them were just off-the-charts kind of happiness where I would describe it as the satisfaction you felt when you run around a wide field full of colourful flowers and laugh away in total joy and just drop your body flat on the ground, breathing those warm air.. I just can’t seem to find the way to share my happiness with other people. And honestly, for me to get this kind of happiness comes like only maybe once in 3 years or so.

So, here I am, telling the whole world.. Yes you and you and you and you and you you you youuuu!! That.. I am a very happy person although I can get very emotional at times, but most of the time, I am very happy and I am very content with what I have and going through right now. I even enjoy arguments, yes, peculiar, but I do. Oh well, I’m really weird and that is how things work around me.

Loves, xx

Listening to: Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding